Friday, May 14, 2004
Oh my god. "Eternal" is an apt description. "Sunshine" and "spotless" not so much. Jim Carrey -- go back to doing what God made you for -- second rate television sketch comedy. Kate Winslett -- go back to doing what God made you for -- topless boat movies. Charlie Kaufman -- Take your riches and move somewhere far far away -- where there's no electricity for your word processor.
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
"The Law is a Ass."
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
Thanks go to Lorne Michaels for this tepid remake of Cruel Intentions(less the kissing.) Just about walked out, but sheer will-power kept me planted in my seat. Damn that will-power!
Monday, May 10, 2004
I admit I missed the Whole Nine Yards or whatever the prequel to this disaster was called. I don't think it would have helped. This is the type of movie during which you wish you were stuck at the grocery store behind six elderly people paying for a month's worth of groceries with exact change.
Thursday, May 06, 2004
Isn't there a rule somewhere that people who make zombie movies should try to make them scary?
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
No wonder the Samurai wanted to end: Tom Cruise swirling swords around is enough to justify that decision. I can only hope this is the last samurai flick with a Hollywood star. And what's with the obligatory multi-hour running time? Can't Hollywood get a point across concisely anymore? I'm gonna go rent a good samurai flick now - like Flying Dagger or something that will help purge the memory of this flick!
Tuesday, May 04, 2004
I wish I could forget The Alamo. But those fiery images of Billy-Bob Thornton sitting around waiting for something to happen are forever seared in my brain. Kudos Hollywood! This is a new exercise in cinema verite as I felt every minute of the two weeks these guys sat there doing nothing. Then a bunch of stuff happens in the last couple minutes. And the viewer is left wondering where the last two-plus hours went. I want them back.
Monday, May 03, 2004
Man Over-bored is more like it as Denzel pretends to be The Rock in the pretentious excuse for a revenge flick. What starts as a mildly interesting exercise is completely destroyed by one of the worst flick-endings in history. Combine this with an ass-numbing running time and you've got the perfect film-school nightmare.
I think the director was trying for something grand -- Denzel as a morally conflicted bodyguard making gut-wrenching decisions in his personal-renegade-crusade for justice. I think the ending was supposed to reveal a noble man true to his own code in the face of savagery, or something. I think the ending, in reality, shows what happens when studios throw too much money at self-righteous film-geeks and let them loose with word-processors and film stock. I think this much thinking about this flick makes my head hurt.
At least they didn't lie with the title: I was punished every precious moment of my life I devoted to this piece of shit!
What is this flick about? Is it another John Travolta polemic about the joys of Scientology? Is it a post-post-post-modern expose of modern man's psyche? Is it just another attempt by the comic book industry to shove a post-1980 comic that sucks down our throats? Is it a poorly made, boring piece of crap? I go with the latter.
